Case Examples

Out for Dinner
John and Sally are out for dinner at a nice restaurant. John has ordered a medium steak but it is served as very well done. His behavior is:

Nonassertive: John starts "brommen" and complaining to Sally about his meat. Like the "Hi and Lois" cartoon, he answers that everything is OK when the waitress inquires as to how the meal is. After she leaves John still grumbles. Whether John realizes it or not, he has lost self-respect and Sally also loses respect for him.

Aggressive: John gets the attention of the waitress and then angrily lashes into her for "botching up" his order. He demands that she bring another steak immediately and then continues to berate her in front of Sally and other observers. His behavior causes friction between Sally and him and she is embarrassed. The waitress is humiliated and angry.

Passive-aggressive: When asked how everything is by the waitress, John sarcastically replies that "everything is great and they couldn't have cooked his steak any better if they tried." He jokingly questions her eyesight as to whether she can tell the difference between a rare and a well-done steak before she serves it. He insults her and plays games with her with a big smile on his face.

Assertive: John tells the waitress that his steak is too well done and reminds her that he ordered it medium rare. As he hands the plate to her he politely asks that she please bring him what he had ordered. He respects her right to be treated courteously and respectfully while standing up for his right to get what he ordered. He thanks her for her service.

The Inconsiderate Smoker
Anne not only is allergic to cigarette smoke, but she just doesn't want to inhale the polluted air and have her clothing smell. She works in an office where one of her fellow workers frequently lights up.

Nonassertive: She says nothing or meekly attempts to ask the other worker to please consider not smoking as much or to try to smoke elsewhere in the building if possible.

Aggressive: Anne tells the co-worker how crude and inconsiderate he is by smoking his smelly poison sticks near others. She angrily accuses him of being an insensitive jerk who never got beyond his oral stage of development.

Passive-aggressive: Anne brings in a large fan and puts it on her desk blowing at the co-worker. She gives him the silent treatment usually and makes fun of him behind his back.

Assertive: Anne asks if she can sit down for a few minutes with her co-worker. She explains her situation in an open and honest manner remembering to focus on her needs, thoughts, and wishes and not "blame" him. She asks him to please refrain from smoking in the office environment at any time. She emphasizes her right to breathe clean air far exceeds his right to dirty others' air.