My Personal Experience With Bipolar Disorder

By a Former Patient

Before my own illness was diagnosed, I knew my moods controlled my life. I alternated between extreme highs and lows with few periods of “normalcy,” and I now have memories that make sense to me.

I was an ambitious, gregarious, and creative child. I was always engaged in some activity requiring elaborate planning and lots of festivity. I was the leader of the neighborhood kids and all of our activities. But I also remember specific incidences when I felt very sad. I would retreat to my bedroom and lie in bed for hours, lonely and depressed. As I reached adolescence, I relished the new relationships that junior high and high school afforded me. My schoolwork came easily and I felt charged with an exuberance for life, which made me very popular with others.

I also remember suffering from severe migraine headaches and periods of confusion. When all of my senses would be on alert, almost as if the pain was filling me with some strange energy, I felt compelled to keep active long past the time others would have given in to the pain and confusion. Because my parents didn’t seem to be too concerned with my headaches or other activities, I accepted my situation as “normal” and developed coping mechanisms that seemed to work for me.

After graduating from high school, I attended the local community college for a couple of years. From there, I transferred to Northern Michigan University where I experienced my first serious brushes with manic-depression, although I didn’t recognize what it was at the time. Being away at school and savoring my new freedom from parental rules, I enjoyed the social aspects of college life. I made many new friends and partied a lot.

Sometimes I would party for days. Naturally, my schoolwork suffered, but it didn’t matter to me. Rather than spend time on my classes, I threw my energies into my part-time job, sometimes working around the clock. Of course, my friends were moving ahead with their educational goals, and I was not. Between running myself ragged with outside activities and the added stress as my grades plummeted, I began to feel anxious, overwhelmed, and experienced a rapidly sinking sense of selfworth.

I remember feeling devastated after failing a very important math exam I needed to pass to move ahead with my major. I felt demoralized and frustrated because everyone else could pass this class but me. The next day, I woke up and could not get out of bed. I thought I was just exhausted and needed to catch up on some sleep. Several days went by. I started to cry and couldn’t stop. Someone called my dad, and he arranged airplane tickets for me to go home immediately. It was only a few days until Thanksgiving break, so I went home.

When I returned to school after the holiday, I was still somewhat depressed but could function. My depression lasted for several months, but eventually went away. After a year and a half, I quit college and returned home. I felt defeated, worthless, and isolated. Fortunately for me, it was toward the end of this episode that I met the man I would marry.

I loved being married, but as I passed through the various stages of my married life, I became more aware of my mood swings. I had periods of intense energy and creativity. When I had an idea, nothing could stand in my way. I could literally tear our house apart and totally redecorate it in a matter of days, working around the clock. When I was “up,” I was the family social director—planning activities, celebrations, and events. I thought nothing of suddenly inviting 25 people for Thanksgiving dinner at the last minute. I entertained frequently with elaborate gatherings and wonderful, expansive gourmet dinner parties for our friends.

I also started two businesses, both in just a few weeks. I immersed myself in each until eventually I had to sell them because I could not maintain the pace. I would be very active and work tirelessly, to the point of exhaustion. Unfortunately, because I couldn’t keep up this intense level of activity with the emotional upheaval that would result, I would eventually cycle into depression.

Following these months of activity, I would become so exhausted that it would be a couple of years before I would have that kind of energy and perseverance for anything else in my life. And—because I could sense that something was not quite right when I felt as though I was losing control—I would abruptly end the activities and resulting relationships I enjoyed so much. It was difficult to maintain relationships with other people because it was not easy to present a consistent personality. As a result, my social relationships changed depending on what phase I was in. During my manic times, it is easy to create relationships because I am outgoing, high-spirited, and people find my impulsiveness refreshing. They are attracted to me because of my outspokenness and spontaneity and perceive me to be a fun person to be around. However, when my moods shifted and I didn’t want anyone to know what was happening to me, I shut them out. When the depression took over my life, I was content to stay at home with little or no outside interests.

Fortunately, I had a very supportive and understanding husband who took my moods and “idiosyncrasies” in stride. However, there came a time when I hit bottom. It was during a period when I was faced with an enormously stressful situation I could not control. The constant stress started a manic reaction that lasted about a year and resulted in a severe depression that lasted two years.

As the stressors were compounding, I began to feel anxious, confused, and distracted. It was increasingly difficult to concentrate. I became irritable and even hostile. I would wake up at 2:30 a.m. and could not get back to sleep. My energy level deteriorated and decision-making was nearly impossible. I couldn’t work and ended up selling my business for far less than it was worth. I felt that I had to get rid of it, or I would explode. I began to have panic attacks in public places and avoided leaving the house. I quit answering the telephone and even quit going to the mailbox.

I lost all contact with my family and friends. Even communicating with my wonderful husband became a chore. When we would talk, I was usually sobbing. He assumed all responsibility for almost every aspect of our life as I spent more and more time in our bedroom, some days never leaving it at all. I couldn’t read, watch TV, or concentrate on anything. I often thought of suicide, but fortunately I lacked the energy. I know that to others I seemed to “have it all.” I had fancy cars, expensive jewelry, successful businesses, and a wonderful marriage. But my life was a shambles. I needed help.

I sought treatment from Dr. Henry Mulder, a psychiatrist who diagnosed my condition as bipolar type II manicdepressive disorder. He prescribed lithium and Prozac and recommended psychotherapy. I saw Dr. Mulder weekly for psychotherapy and medication monitoring. After a year of using lithium and tolerating its side effects of drowsiness, unsteadiness, abnormal gait and slurred speech (not to mention the humiliation that I felt each time I had my blood tested for toxicity), I stopped using it. We tried several other medications until we established a regimen that was effective.

Being treated by a psychiatrist who could treat both the psychological and biological aspects of my disorder was a major turning point in my life. The first few months of treatment are a blur. The depression—combined with the unpleasant side effects of the medication and the frequent blood testing required by lithium use— reinforced my feelings of shame and low self-esteem. They were a constant reminder that I was not “normal.” Though the antidepressant medications reduced the number and severity of my migraine headaches that had persisted since childhood, the side effects of tremors, blurred vision, dry mouth, dizziness, confusion, and body twitches were bothersome. I thought I would never feel better again. Thanks to more than two years of psychotherapy and appropriate medications, I did.

As I began to feel better and became more educated about manic-depression, I was fascinated with the power my mind had over my body. I was relieved to learn I had a genetic predisposition for this disorder, and there are effective medications and caring professionals like Dr. Mulder available to teach me how to effectively manage this illness.

People who suffer from bipolar disorder are constantly aware of their precarious situation. We don’t take “good days” for granted. A “bad day” brings extra anxiety because we worry this could be the beginning of another cycle of depression.

The warning signs of my illness are permanently ingrained in my memory. Stress can trigger both my manic and depressive states. I am on a maintenance dosage of medication that I take faithfully every day. I know adequate sleep and consistent sleep patterns are vital to my mental health, so I go to bed and wake up about the same time each day. I try to avoid situations I know will be stressful for me.

My husband has taken over the responsibilities of our business ventures and handles most conflicts that arise in our life. He shields me from stressful situations and gently discourages me from taking on more than I can realistically handle. He has never complained about the inconvenience or extra expenses we have incurred as a result of my treatment. It is he who picks up the pieces and keeps our life together.

My grandiose ideas and behavior have caused problems both financially and emotionally, but they also have been fun. These were the times when I impulsively booked cruises or lavish vacations, bought extravagant items, and took on risks that were exciting for him as well. However, my times of depression have interfered with our personal and social life because when I suddenly cut myself off from everyone, this affects him, too.

I now know how important a good support system is to a person dealing with such a complicated psychological disorder and feel blessed to have enjoyed such continuous, unwavering support from my husband. I am careful to assess my feelings and share them with him. Although we both miss the “manic moments” that were a lot of fun, I realize these extreme highs and lows are not conducive to a stable lifestyle.

People who suffer from mood disorders live complicated lives and must make many adjustments. We have to be constantly aware of potentially volatile situations that could cause an episode because the outcome can affect us and those close to us. It is hard to know which feelings are “normal” and which are not. It can be irritating and demeaning when other family members misinterpret natural expressions of emotion and behavior and view them with suspicion. We often feel that members of our extended family question our credibility and competence. As with any crisis within a family system, the ripples of pain encompass everyone.

Today I know I must take proper care of myself both physically and emotionally. Becoming more educated in the dynamics of my illness has helped me to recognize the warning signs and symptoms of this disorder. Thanks to Dr. Mulder, I can combine the effectiveness of drug therapy, which helps reduce the physiological symptoms, with adequate coping skills to help me manage this disorder.

Having control over my life allowed me to return to college after a 24-year absence. I graduated in 1995. Next, I plan to get a Master’s degree in Psychology. Going back to school has not only been beneficial in building confidence and increased self-esteem, but affords me the opportunity to broaden my horizons and use my talents in a refreshing new way. It also puts me in a unique position of looking at mental illness from the perspective of both the patient and the professional.

My life is full—but controlled—and I do not suffer from the extreme highs and lows that used to paralyze me. My experience has taught me that each person brings to their illness their own genetic makeup, personality traits, biological factors, and life experiences that influence the way this illness affects them and those who care about them. The insights and coping skills that result from psychotherapy are valuable tools necessary for controlling this disorder. Of course, as with anything important in life, the person suffering from bipolar disorder must want to recover and seek qualified professionals to bring about recovery.