Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Can Never Hurt Me

by Jan Esh, M.S.W., A.C.S.W.

Peter, 11, wets his bed at night. His mother forces him to wear a diaper all day as punishment for his incontinence. Although embarrassed and humiliated, Peter thinks he deserves to be treated this way.

Sally, 13, was told by her parents that they would shave her head if she did not improve her poor grades. Sally's grades only improved slightly. Her parents shaved her head, and she refused to leave the house or attend school.

Ted's teacher called him fat and lazy in front of his classmates. Ted, 8, believed him.

Most people would agree that Peter's and Sally's parents and Ted's teacher were cruel. They used excessive consequences to discipline these children. They, however, might disagree.

Peter's mother believed she was helping him overcome an embarrassing problem that stopped him from joining other boys at overnight parties and Boy Scout campouts. She did not realize how detrimental her actions were. If someone confronted her and offered help, she might begin to understand her son's emotional needs.

Sally's parents expected her to excel because they had both been excellent students. They looked at her grades as a reflection of their own worth. When Sally did not meet their standards, they felt they were doing what they had to do "for her own good." Knowing she was enamored with her own looks, they felt shaving her head would help her realize how important it was for her to do well in school. Sally became extremely depressed. She attempted suicide and needed treatment in a psychiatric hospital.

Ted's situation was similar in that he was also humiliated and ridiculed. The teacher thought Ted could do better and just needed to be motivated. In reality, the teacher lost control and was cruel and mean to him.

Peter, Sally, and Ted are all victims of emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse is a repetitive act or attitude by the parent or caregiver that is harmful to or prevents normal growth of a child's positive self-esteem. Too much or too little emotional closeness constitutes abuse if it interferes with normal development.

Emotional abuse is intangible. It can be the silent treatment or a verbal assault. It is as damaging to a child as any other type of abuse. At times, it is more damaging because we usually don't recognize it for what it is.

Karen, 7, slept with her divorced mother every night. She refused to sleep in her own bed. Karen's mother did not have the energy to fight with Karen at bedtime. She was lonely and felt comforted by having Karen with her.

Karen's mother does not ridicule her. She does not embarrass or humiliate her. But she does abuse Karen emotionally by allowing her own needs to be met at the expense of her young daughter. She is not intentionally trying to hurt her daughter. In fact, she may feel she is saving her daughter from the scary, insecure, sad feelings Karen would have if she had to suddenly sleep alone. Karen's mother is tired, sad, and lonely. If she continues to use Karen to meet her own needs, Karen will also be emotionally empty.

If Karen doesn't separate from her mother she will go through life feeling inadequate and incompetent regardless of what she achieves. Karen may feel abandoned and unhappy if her mother forces the separation. But if she doesn't, Karen will not be able to develop the independence and autonomy she needs to progress and mature as a normal child. In a few years, neither Karen nor her mother will be aware of the underlying reasons for the inevitable conflicts they'll have.

Children experience emotional abuse when a parent uses them to meet his/her own needs rather than looking at what the child needs. The greater the parent's need, the more severe the abuse. Parents may not be conscious of this. They believe they are doing what is best for their child.

Emotionally abused children have low self-esteem and believe that they deserve to be treated poorly and even abused. If the emotional abuse doesn't stop, these feelings will continue into their adulthood.

Children who grow up with persistent, chronic, negative interactions and who are constantly criticized, humiliated, or emotionally defeated are not going to become competent adults capable of meaningful relationships. They will develop a negative picture of themselves and live with a poor self-concept. They may develop illnesses, become delinquent, or learn unacceptable ways of getting their needs met. They may become people who are chronically unhappy or mean. They will not be able to form meaningful or satisfying relationships.

Parents make mistakes. All parents hurt their children. Mistakes do not constitute abuse unless parents refuse to admit the mistakes and repeat them. Awareness is the first step in overcoming emotional abuse, acknowledgement the second, and action the third. If you know of a time you hurt your child, acknowledge it, and act to remedy the mistake. It may be as simple as saying you are sorry.

Often emotional abuse goes undetected because parents deny or rationalize it. They may hide it under the guise of discipline. Our society minimizes emotional pain, believing it is less severe or significant than physical pain. We hesitate to call it abuse.

If a bully taunts a child, we do not usually intervene, even though this is a painful experience for the child. If the bully hits a child, it is much easier and more comfortable for us to put a stop to it. However, we must take action in both scenarios. Unaddressed emotional abuse damages a child's ability to form meaningful relationships.

The negative effects of emotional abuse can be overcome by providing the child with a different experience. Many adults who were abused as children can name one or two people who helped them survive until they were old enough to protect themselves or seek help. A caring teacher, a loving relative, or a leader who listens can help children understand they have value and worth. This experience can enable the child to develop lasting, meaningful relationships in life.

Is This Emotional Abuse?

1. A father refuses to speak to his daughter for three months because she broke curfew.
2. A mother does not allow her son to join any athletic activities because he might get hurt.
3. Parents expect their son to get straight As.
4. A non-custodial parent promises to visit and doesn't show up.
5. A teacher favors boys in the classroom.
6. Parents argue heatedly in front of their children.
7. A father forces his son to play football when he would rather draw.
8. A mother does not seek help for a needy child because she does not want the child sharing personal information about the family.
9. A parent favors the oldest child.
10. A mother allows an older sibling to discipline a younger child because she is tired.

Answer

All of these situations could be considered emotionally abusive if they happened repeatedly and without resolution.