Stages of Marriage

Jan Esh, M.S.W., A.C.S.W., 41, clinical social worker, and Stephen Nauta, M.Div., 40, minister, have been married ten years. It's the second marriage for both of them. They are the parents of four children. Steve has two sons-Nathan, 16, and Nicholas, 14-from his first marriage, Jan has a daughter from her first marriage-Allison, 15-and together they have Benjamin, 5. Based on their experiences with divorce and remarriage, Jan and Steve have co-written  New Beginnings: Divorce and Remarriage in the Christian Community. 

Jan:
Growing up, I thought when I got married, all my troubles would be over. I really had to go through a harsh reality to realize that there's never a time in your life when there aren't some difficulties. 

It's hard to be a blended family. There's a level of tension and complication we'll live with the rest of our lives. It's much less now than it was in the first five years, but it can come back instantly because we have other players who are just as powerful as we are in the lives of our children. That's a big stressor on a marriage in the best of times. Whether we like it or not, this is part of our life. 

We've learned to rely on each other and treasure the relationship we have as a couple because the relationship we have as parents and as a family is very different. We really have to work hard all the time to stand together because so much of our family has been pulled apart. It makes us appreciate each other in a different way because we didn't have that kind of support from our first marriages. 

One aspect in this marriage that I still marvel at is that Steve respects my opinions, thoughts, and feelings. We have a mutual respect for each other. I don't have to be the way he is or think the way he is and still I'm respected. It helps me to know that I can do more and be more. 

Steve:
We always face the challenge of balancing career, family, and our relationship. We spend a lot of time dealing with our relationship and talking and working on that. We also spend a lot of energy parenting the kids. One of my sons lives with his mother, 45 miles away. Trying to work on that relationship long distance is a challenge. Blended families present unique relationships and issues. And Jan and I have had kids from the beginning of our own relationship. 

There's also the stress of keeping our marriage healthy. We work to keep the intimacy going and the relationship going through all the changes as the kids leave, our jobs change, and we as persons change. One struggle we always have in front of us is the partnership issue in a society that's slanted more towards headship. 

For me, our marriage means a chance at intimacy and companionship and stability over the rest of our years. A source of strength, support, and partnership is included in that.