HISTORICAL ROLE OF MEN

Historically, men were raised to be providers, protectors, and impregnators. In primitive society, nature dictated women's and men's social roles. Women had breasts, so they nursed babies—men had muscles so they hunted for food. These men exercised and cultivated their killing instincts while being trained as warriors. Men still are primarily responsible for going to war to protect family and countries, so they continue to be seen as protectors of women and children.

The industrial revolution caused men to leave their agrarian lifestyles to seek work outside the home. Men left the family teamwork model and adapted to a life of poor working conditions, competition, and estrangement from family. Men needed women for their role of domestication and procreation, which led to men being trained as the sexual conquistador. Over time, these roles evolved and became part of our social fabric. Men played sports, climbed corporate ladders, picked up women, drove fast cars, and defended their manhood.

MALE TRAINING

If men have specific roles in society, then the training and socializing of boys to become men will reflect this. Rigid and excessive male training is responsible for the male problems depicted at the beginning of this article, as well as other problems. As outlined in Paul Kivel's, Man in the Box, [see sidebar] and Richard Pasick's, Ten Central Mandates of Manhood, [see sidebar] men are raised to be tough, competitive, fearless, powerful, and in control. Parents and society start this training when boys are infants, and this rigid male training follows the child as he grows up.

We start by selecting "bold" colors for the nursery, not "soft" ones. Research also indicates that male infants are as expressive and emotional as females. However, the training to suppress that begins early. In controlled studies, adults were observed handling male infants more roughly, actively, and with less nurturing compared to how they interacted with female infants. Parents punish boys more physically and harshly, telling them "Stop crying, or I'll give you something to cry about." When boys hurt themselves and start to cry, parents are likely to make them feel ashamed for their sad feelings. Parents often look them in the eye, problem-solve, or try to fix what made the boy cry. Males often remember statements like: "Take it like a man," "You're all right; stop your crying," and "Rub it off."

This male training continues as the boy grows. Most males remember being kicked off their parents' lap at around the age of 4 or 5 to make them independent. In fact, males are encouraged and at times required to prematurely break away from their mother's nurturing and gravitate toward the "man's world." A boy receives balls, trucks, guns, action figures, and Legos. He is encouraged to wrestle, climb trees, take risks, and conquer his world. The need for Mom's love and nurture is seen as a weakness in his successful development. The naive notion is that for men to be strong, tough, and independent, they must learn they are no longer "mama's boy."

Males are shamed for displaying any characteristics outside these limited definitions of masculinity. They are called names such as "sissy," "fag," "mama's boy," "wimp," when they cry, show fear or sensitivity, or demonstrate other "unmasculine" characteristics. Males are inundated with masculopathic images in the media to model. John Wayne, Rambo, the Marlboro Man, the Terminator, and big time wrestlers all demonstrate the valued masculine features: stoicism, toughness, independence, violence and control. Males learn that to define and demonstrate masculinity, they must turn away from anything associated with femininity and homosexuality.

There is an ever-insidious process of proving and confirming masculinity to oneself and others. We don't achieve masculinity—we have to prove it, over and over again. Males defend this male code by showing "no fear" to prove their toughness, engaging in high risk behaviors like driving fast, fighting, binge drinking, eating insanely hot chili, and not going to a doctor. They seek "to score" with females to prove their heterosexuality and sexual prowess.

RIGID TRAINING FALLOUT

Society has expectations of males. Males confirm their masculinity by following through with the expectation that they should compete and kill without compassion. This socialization prepares males for limited roles and abilities in society (such as Kurt's Viet Nam duty). Males end up sacrificing their humanity to reach the pinnacle of masculinity. Some show signs of having denied their humanity in pursuit of masculopathic roles, like men with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after war, or men who pursue climbing the corporate ladder at the expense of losing their families. Research and experience teaches us that men injure themselves and others in their attempts to prove their masculinity.

Male sexuality is another fallout from rigid masculopathic training. Males will use sex as a shortcut to intimacy. Their training makes it difficult to pursue emotional intimacy through communication, shared activities, and similar interests. Nonetheless, they can't ignore the human need for closeness and attachment, so masculopathic males addictively and promiscuously pursue sex to meet their needs.

Anger management and violence is another stereotypical male problem. For males to stay inside the Man in the Box and meet the Ten Central Mandates of Manhood, they must learn how to transform normal human emotions like fear, sadness, and loneliness into anger. Anger is an acceptable masculine emotion. Unfortunately, some males carry around an excess of angry feelings that cannot be successfully managed. This results in episodes of angry tirades, property destruction, violence, and road rage. Learning how to manage anger is helpful, but more in-depth change is necessary. For example, men must get in touch with the primary (or root) emotion and give themselves permission to feel vulnerable.

Relationships are another problem. Masculopathic males may use power and control tactics to manage their vulnerability in intimate relationships with women. These tactics can escalate into domestic violence or destroy intimacy. Male to male relationships suffer immensely because men fear being perceived as gay for trying to emotionally connect with their male friends. Likewise, fathers who limit their roles to being providers and disciplinaries for their children miss out on emotional closeness.

WHAT'S NEXT FOR MEN

We are in a state of transition and evolution. Males and females are confused about roles. Does a man offer to help a woman with her coat and risk being a "male pig?" Does he encourage her independence and personal power by letting her put her coat on herself and risk being rude? Does a man spend more time with his family and risk excelling in his career thereby decreasing his income? When a couple hears a strange noise in the middle of the night, does the man "talk about his feelings" and say he's scared, too, and in the interest of equality suggest "flipping a coin" to see who investigates?

Society must put aside the myths of masculinity and the fear of change in order to make progress and diminish the dysfunctional male problem. People strongly opposed to these changes believe the problems in society are not because there needs to be change, but because there has been change. Some believe the change in society is "unnatural" to how God created males and, therefore, we should go back to John Wayne, Ward Cleaver, and James Bond.

Though people think this is a "new" role for males, the model is 2000 years old. Jesus is the best example and model of healthy masculinity. He demonstrated the important character traits of being flexible and adaptable to situations. He expressed his full humanity, not just rigid masculinity. His emotions and behavior weren't driven by fear, peer pressure, or male codes; he operated from a more healthy and divine perspective, transcending gender stereotypes. He nurtured and showed compassion to children, yet could defend his beliefs and principles to the Pharisees. He had internal strength, and did not have to prove his masculinity with violence. He felt and managed a range of emotions and didn't funnel them into anger and aggression. He treated individuals with equality and respect—a virtue that has become lost in the confining gender roles we place on people.

As a society and religious community, we have failed males. Instead of encouraging them to emulate a well-rounded example of masculinity, we have given them a gender straitjacket. As the definition of masculinity evolves and expands, so will the training of boys, courting practices, marriages, the dysfunctional male and his problems.

Change needs to occur on many levels: societal, institutional, familial, and personal. Males need a men's movement to help them get out of this straitjacket. Unfortunately, within the masculine role, there lies male privilege, which has prevented a men's movement driven by men. Beliefs and adages such as men must be leaders, king of the castle, head of the household, and in control have made it difficult to develop a "new" masculinity.

Nonetheless, a movement has to come from males seeing the benefits of change, rather than appeasing others or changing on the heels of the women's movement. The problems described in this article are reason enough for males to take responsibility for change. In this society, we often look for simple solutions to complex problems. The dysfunctional male and his associated problems are not going to be fixed simply through incarceration, counseling, medication, and prayer. While these methods may help some people, more structural and fundamental changes are necessary. As we make these changes, research suggests "the nature" of men will also change because of the nature/nurture interaction. Males are humans, so let's train them like they are, and perhaps they will become more humane and less like "pigs."